i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize