I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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