Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I could make wine with my vomit
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
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Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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