How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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