The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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