I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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