if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
