Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
