Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
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woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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