I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
