Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm getting married
To pizza
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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