Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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