There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
