I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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