Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Randomize
