last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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