dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
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