I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize
