i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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