if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
