i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
