I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Randomize
