Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
