If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
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