How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
