He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
