you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
