remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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