sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I wish I could teleport
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
