new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
