I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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