I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
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