I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Let's get the cat blown out
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
