let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
