turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
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