never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
