Barsexuality is the new black.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
