I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
