I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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