I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
