What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
