Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
