Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
