I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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