I cannot find my penis.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
