I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
