I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I need a burrito and a hug.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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