did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
