there's paper in my vomit.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
