I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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