you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
How does it feel to date your dad?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
