I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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