she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
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i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
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he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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