Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
