She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
