God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
