we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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