I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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