I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
