I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
