I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Pappa wants mamma naked
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
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i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
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I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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