I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
you had me at cake vodka
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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